On the 23rd of Bahman month in the year 1400, the steps of two young heroines, one 18 years old and the other 38 years old, reached the first and third place of the national Karate competition in the Kyokushin IFK style in Europe. These girls, who are now leaving for Spain to taste the flavor of the world competition, had to walk barefoot in the alleys and backstreets of Tehran to search for drugs. The blue marks of violence on their sick bodies were the result of consuming all kinds of drugs and pills. But now, they are focused on their health and spend their days in the gym instead of using drugs. These women have left behind the hard times of sleeping on cardboard and drug use, and their suffering has turned into a shining medal around their necks, shining with pride. Samaneh is a girl who started using drugs at a young age, when she was forced to stop playing with dolls

Where did Samaneh start that now she is wearing the national team uniform and ready for the World Championships?

At first, I didn’t really know where my starting point was, but today I know that my starting point was also my ending point. I started again from the same place where I fell and reached the end, and this became the secret to my success. I want to talk about a girl who, until five years ago, didn’t even have hope for staying alive and breathing again. I came to “Toloo” (a rehabilitation center) with despair. I came to “Toloo” to die, and I have said this many times. I repeated this sentence so many times that my husband gets upset from hearing it and has asked me many times to stop saying it, but I say it because the reason I came to “Toloo” was to die. I had come to die, but now the reason for my survival, the reason for my life and my success, is breathing, because God has given me this breath again as a gift. I have held

How much time has passed since those days?

I have been clean for about five years now. In “Toloo”, the embrace of people was the first thing that gave me hope. The embrace of the people of “Toloo” was open and loving towards me. It was the second factor that gave me trust and credibility. I was the same person who didn’t trust myself. My family didn’t trust me.

Why did you choose the “Rise of the Unseen” institute?

I knew “Toloo” (a group) and they would come to the hangouts every Tuesday and bring food. My acquaintance with “Toloo” started with getting a meal. I was one of those people who would say, can one become pure by getting a meal? Can one be attracted by getting a meal? I didn’t understand the concept of attraction at all. The “Toloo” people would go to the hangouts and give us a warm meal, but they wouldn’t say, come and get clean. This was a different kind of attraction. They were unlike all the camp leaders and people I knew who would try to gain our trust with a thousand tricks and ask us to come and get clean. They would just come, give us food, sit next to us for a bit, and then leave. This act of leaving created a spark in me that these people are different from the rest and the difference is that they don’t make promises, they don

How many times did you go camping?

I went to camp as much as my hair and left. I tried every kind of camp. My family provided me with every type of camp to try, but it wasn’t possible. I wanted to many times, but I didn’t know what I wanted. I knew how to leave, but I didn’t know how to stay away. In camp, I stayed for one, two, or three sessions, and that was because of the money they took from me and my family, but they didn’t teach me anything. They cleaned the substances from my body, not my mind. I heard in the sessions they held and the books we read that they said we were sick. Now that I’ve learned, I understand that it’s true, but didn’t you say we were sick? Why didn’t you do anything to clean our minds? Why did you only clean our bodies? I stayed in camp and endured thousands of difficulties. In some forced camps, they beat us. Those who

Why did they commit such violence?

This violence was more prevalent in forced camps. Other camps had their own difficulties, but forced camps also had beatings. A person who is bent over cries out. A person who is bent over cries and wants to escape from the pain. When I went to the physics room, the pain would press on me. I would scream, cry, and have to show a reaction. I had no control over myself. If I had control, I wouldn’t go back to the drugs. In forced camps, it was enough for our voices to be heard for us to be beaten by the wind or taken under the ice and thousands of other things that I now realize are completely wrong. The only thing that answered me was desire. I came with my own desire and wanted to.

Can we go back a little? What happened that you became a consumer?

The emptiness that existed within people like me; like the feeling of loneliness that caused this. We have two types of loneliness; one is when a person feels lonely and the other is when a person says “I am lonely”. When someone says “I am lonely”, it means they are truly alone, but if someone feels lonely, even if there are people around them, they still feel lonely. I used to feel lonely. I had a good family, but I had an unsuccessful marriage. I was forced to get married at the age of thirteen, even though I had no interest in it.

ها

In fact, children.

“I love you”

Were you a spouse?

Exactly. I got engaged to someone when I was thirteen whom I had no interest in. He was my cousin and I had no feelings for him. I don’t want to go into the details of this marriage, but this very fact made me more and more depressed every day.

Did you quit studying?

Yes, I dropped out of school. I was feeling depressed and became depressed. My childhood died at that age. I used to play in the alley when I got engaged and this led me to go to the doctor and take nerve medications, including Tramadol, to treat my depression. My illness started from that time. The illness was in me, but at that point it sparked and flared up. It started with nerve pills and I kept increasing the dosage. Then I started smoking. Smoking also led to drug use. Using drugs made me feel good. It would take me away from the world and I would forget everything. I didn’t see my husband anymore. I didn’t understand his comings and goings. The drugs had taken over me and that’s what caused my life to go downhill. For two years, no one in my family knew that I was using. At first, I didn’t even know how to use and it took me a long time to learn.

What was your husband’s reaction to this issue?

He was the opposite of me, he was in love but didn’t know how to live. He couldn’t express his love and show his affection. My family tried very hard to make me leave him, but I went from heroin to crack and from crack to glass and from glass back to heroin and crack and finally got divorced and my struggles began after separation. I really wanted to leave, but this type of separation was very bad.

Why did you go back to your family?

Because they wouldn’t let me consume, I stayed with my family for a while, but I was in severe restriction and at the peak of my illness, I couldn’t quit and the blows I had received were hurting me a lot; eventually, when I saw that I was being very hurt at home, I left and never returned. From that moment on, my wandering and homelessness began and lasted for nine years. The hardships and loneliness of sleeping on cardboard boxes were putting a lot of pressure on me. The day before we came to “Toloo”, something bad happened to me and I was tired. I cried half the night, screamed and asked God for help. I was a homeless girl and I didn’t want to go under anyone’s flag, and that made me more upset. I slept on cardboard boxes in the desert and my hideout was far from the other cardboard box sleepers and I was mostly alone. I had been beaten a lot, but that night I had a

Did you come to “Tolou” that night?

Yes. The children of “Toloo” knew me and at first they were not happy to take me with them. It had been six months since the children of “Toloo” were looking for me in Karaj, but I was hiding myself the whole time and not eating. They would ask the other children, “Where is Samaneh?” I didn’t want to come out and I was hiding myself. I was afraid of the police and authorities and didn’t trust anyone, so I kept hiding. That night, one of the children of “Toloo” saw me and asked with surprise, “Samaneh! Where have you been?” I said, “I want to come.” He asked, “Are you sure?” He thought I didn’t have any money to buy drugs, but he saw that I was distributing drugs among the children. He took my hand and said, “If you get clean on the way, I won’t buy drugs for you

Is this what many are deprived of?

Yes, exactly. I had done something that had taken away my trust in myself, let alone others and my family! I had lost trust in my family and gave them the right, but I couldn’t control myself. I knew how to leave, but I didn’t know how to stay away; it was like a problem for me, I knew the answer, but I didn’t know how to reach it. “Toloo” gave me the solution to reach the answer. Not only did the substances leave my body, but they also started working with my mind and brain. I remarried in “Toloo”.

Who did you marry?

With one of these children from “Tolou”; I fell in love. One of the main reasons I stayed in “Tolou” was because I fell in love.

How long did it take for you to fall in love?

“I was clean for two months. I can confidently say that I had never experienced the feeling I had towards Saeed, my husband. Not that I didn’t love anyone before, but I had never felt this way. I saw Saeed during one of my trips with “Toloo” and fell in love with him right there. Saeed was two years clean at that time. When we wanted to start our friendship, Saeed told me, “If you want to be together, you have to quit smoking.” This request was strange and harder for me than quitting drugs, as I had replaced drugs with cigarettes and filled all the voids with smoking. When Saeed said this, I had a cigarette in my hand and his way of talking hit me. He played with my mind and first said he had a condition, but then let it go; I kept telling him to just say it and finally he said I have to quit smoking. I smirked

How did you get into the world of sports?

A volunteer named Nasrin Heydarnazhad came to “Toloo” (an organization) who is now our coach and I love her dearly. I always tell her, “You changed the course of my life by coming into it.” It all started as a hobby. She was a volunteer and a karate coach. I had just gotten married at the time and was working as a clerk at “Toloo” (the office of the Sari Mehr Hall). I would come to the institute in the morning and return home in the evening. Nasrin Heydarnazhad came to “Toloo” and became the coach for our teenage girls. Two months had passed since she came when I told her, “I also want to join your class and learn karate.” I had always been interested in martial arts since childhood, but I never had any background in my mind to pursue it as a professional sport, as I had just started at the age of thirty

Were you also in the same class as the teenage girls?

Yes, I was in the same class. They had been training for two months and I had just joined them. The first spark that hit me in karate was when I hit the bag at the club. The first punch I threw at the bag, I felt a lump in my throat. All my misfortunes and all the beatings I had received for drugs during my time in prison came to my mind. I saw all the rights that were taken from me and I couldn’t do anything about it, and it made me hit the bag even harder with my second and third punches. Then I realized that there was something hidden in this hitting the bag and running. I used to run in the alleys and backstreets for drugs, but now I run around the club for my own health. These two are very different.

When did you win your first medal?

“After two months of working with the red belt, I achieved first place in the Tehran province. A revolution was born within me and karate became a great goal for me to prove to the world that age is just a number and no matter where you start, life is a new beginning and you should not look at your age. During this time, I won first and second place in various competitions and once I even won third place in the national competition. Recently, I also won third place for the second time in the national competition. I still can’t believe that I became a national athlete and I am going to Spain for the competition in Khordad month. This is the biggest event for me, where I can prove to the world that one day my body used to turn blue for drugs, and now it turns blue for winning medals. I get bruises during my training, which is normal, but they have a different meaning for me now. Five years ago, Samaneh used to

When was the first time you went back to your family?

I knew that I could possibly be rejected by them and I wanted to go towards them at a point where I could tolerate being rejected and it wouldn’t lead me back to substances. When I reached a point where I saw I could endure and prove myself to them, I went towards them. In my third year of sobriety, I went to look for my family and talked to them. Now I have constant communication with them and we love each other romantically.

You are reading the continuation of the peace talks interview with Leila.

Please tell us a little about yourself. How did the girl sitting in front of me make herself?

I am Leila and I am eighteen years old. When I came here, I was seventeen years old. It has been more than a year since I have been living in “Toloo”. I have learned a lot of things here. I really didn’t know the reason for my existence; because my parents were drug addicts and a drug addict doesn’t have any kindness. My mother was a drug addict and she passed away more than two years ago. After my mother’s death, our life fell apart.

How many sisters and brothers do you have?

I have two sisters and one brother.

Are you the youngest child in your family?

I am the second child. After my mother’s death, I only took pills to sleep and to numb the sounds of my father’s snoring. My father treated me disrespectfully and I couldn’t control myself or my nerves; as a result, I started using drugs. My drug of choice was pills. I would also chat and drink alcohol. I didn’t know why I was doing these things, but I knew they calmed me down. My father’s behavior caused me to run away from home; of course, he was also out of control.

Did it also have physical violence?

No, he didn’t have it, but he treated people in a way that made me tired of living. I spent many nights in my room crying. Even though I was on medication, it seemed like when I took the pills, I became even more emotional and constantly thought about why other girls live differently and I live like this. After a while, when I had left home, I was told that my father wanted to take us to an orphanage. I was seventeen and when I turned eighteen, the orphanage would no longer take care of me. That’s why we went to court and filed a complaint against my father and then a summons came that we all had to go to court.

How old are your sister and brother?

One of my sisters is thirteen years old and my brother is nine years old.

What happened in court?

The court told us that the two of us and I must go to the welfare. I told the judge that you know that after the age of eighteen, welfare does not accept me. After escaping from home, I had suffered a lot of injuries and had many problems. I was beaten a lot and slept in places I shouldn’t have. I was very broken and had made myself like a boy so that they wouldn’t come near me and have no feelings for me. It was very difficult to sleep. At the age of fifteen or sixteen, I didn’t understand anything. The judge introduced us to the “Toloo” institution and said not to run away from here. The judge said they won’t force you to stay here, but you shouldn’t run away. Until I came here, I thought they were going to take advantage of me because we live in a corrupt society and I felt like everyone wanted to take advantage of me. I had a friend who took advantage of me,

When you arrived at “Tolou”, what were the conditions?

I used to sleep with fear, and when I came here, I chose the bed near the entrance of the room that they showed me and told myself that if something happened, I would be close to the door to escape. I slept with caution; I woke up at five in the morning and was very afraid. This was how things were for the first two months and I didn’t do anything; even my father came here and left, and his behavior changed and he made a lot of changes. I went through a lot of difficulties, but I made it.

How did you go towards sports?

I couldn’t leave from here. I was afraid, so I decided to go to the gym to see the outside. I just wanted to see the outside, but I went to the gym and I liked it. I took this opportunity and started exercising. After a while, they told me I had to prepare for a competition, and I said I wouldn’t go because I was afraid. But eventually, I was convinced to prepare for the Tehran province competition and I went and won first place. After that, they said we had to participate in the national competition, which was held last February, and I also won first place there. We are supposed to go to the world competition in Spain, and now I am very happy that my life, which I didn’t know what I was doing and why I was alive, has changed and I have found my way. Now I am becoming a role model for my sister.

Is your sister here next to you?

Yes. My brother has also chosen a sports major and even though he is only nine years old, he has a study schedule and is living his life. He taught us how to live here. We didn’t know why we should live. My brother lost his mother at the age of seven and my mother had been bedridden for four years before that, so he never experienced a mother’s love.

How are the rest of the children? How about yourself? Have you experienced the feeling of motherhood?

Maybe we never experienced it, because due to his addiction, he had lost his emotions. When I took pills, I didn’t feel anything towards anyone. Addiction takes away a person’s emotions. It’s very bad. It ruins people’s lives. My father had never told me “I love you”, but when he left, the first thing he said to me after seeing me was this sentence. It was a very good feeling for me and I had never experienced it in these eighteen years. My father had never hugged me. I was very much like a father to my other sisters.

Where is your father now?

My father went to this center and I received a severe blow. I was in such a bad condition that the emergency services came and I was transferred to the hospital. He went for the excuse of wanting to work, and now he has a problem and has to go to prison for five years. I am very upset about this and I don’t know what to do. Although I say it was his own fault, it is difficult. Now I am in a situation where I have to fully focus on my competitions, but there is always a corner of my mind occupied by my father and it bothers me a lot. The days are passing by me hard.

Was it difficult for you and your sister to be separated from your brother who is being kept in another center?

In the beginning, my brother was very restless. He was restless because of me and my father, but now he has improved a lot. We have no problems now because we see each other and I am happy that things are going well for him. He has a study and sports program and is studying, and it’s the same for my sister. He also does karate. We didn’t have a life outside of here. We didn’t know what to eat, what to wear, and we were only thinking about going out because we couldn’t stand being at home. You put your foot in that house, you couldn’t live.

What did your house look like?

When it rained, we covered the roof of our house with plastic. I don’t like to blame anyone. Addiction is a disease and I understand that people fall into it unknowingly, but it started and destroyed us; but a person must have the willpower and I did.

How did you do this?

I was not a person who could be tied down in one place. My father kept me at home and I would go out, but when I came here, I wanted to build something myself and if you want, you can build it too.

This is a truth that many factors, such as lack of social acceptance, cause consumers to remain consumers and their desire to return to normal life fades away. Do you agree with this sentence or do you think it is not true and that consumers want to have new conditions but cannot?

I accept this sentence. Many consumers want to destroy themselves with substances. They know they can leave the substances aside; they also have the opportunity, but they don’t want to.

What is this unwanted thing that you are saying originates from?

Hopelessness. I reached this point of despair and hopelessness, wondering why I should give up. Who should I give up for? They don’t see themselves, and in my opinion, a person should first see and recognize themselves and understand. There are opportunities and possibilities, but it is our desire that determines the path ahead.