Once, a 50-year-old woman came into my counseling office without an appointment and said, “Doctor, I have been to a psychiatric hospital and they told me to admit myself; I am a seemingly happy woman in the eyes of everyone, my friends and family, but they all envy my situation and circumstances. My husband has given me at least 10 high-end cars and 10 houses in the best areas of Tehran. He showers me with love and attention, but he flutters around me like a butterfly. I have no financial or emotional shortcomings, but the truth is, I feel completely unhappy. To be honest, I am not a happy person at all.”

“When I asked for the reason behind your feelings and behavior, and why you requested to be hospitalized in the psychiatric ward, you answered: “I am a graduate of America and have a Bachelor’s degree in English literature. I wanted to continue my studies in the same field, but my spouse, who loves me, asked me to give up this major and continue my studies in industrial management. He convinced me with reasoning and logic that I can continue learning English in private institutions, but management requires academic education. And because I loved my spouse, I was almost convinced and continued my studies in management.”

He continued, “I loved working with addicts and volunteered in hospitals for years, helping them overcome their addiction. I wanted to establish a rehabilitation center myself or collaborate with charities in this field, but my spouse strongly opposed and did not allow me to continue in this job that I loved.”

Furthermore, I was in love with music and traditional songs, and my library was full of albums by traditional singers. I was deeply in love with the tar and setar, but my husband, who owned a factory, said they were a waste of time. He always told me to focus on practical things, like bread and watermelon. Despite my logical arguments and pleas, he never allowed me to pursue my passion for art. He had a high sexual drive, while I was more reserved, but he would force himself on me and now I hate our physical relationship because it has always been one-sided and I never derive any pleasure from it. Due to his trust issues and paranoia, I am not allowed to see a therapist to address my coldness. And in countless other matters, such as my clothing, makeup, family visits, etc., I always had to follow his opinions. Now, at the age of 50, I feel empty and devoid of identity. I am not myself.

When this lady was telling her life story, I remembered the play “Gas Light” written by Patrick Hamilton, an English writer from 1938. This play is famous in America as “Angel Street”. The story is about a man who uses various tricks to convince his wife that she is going insane in order to achieve his personal goals. One of his tricks is adjusting the gas lights and then pretending that nothing has happened. The term “gaslighting” is used to describe a form of psychological manipulation where false information is given to the victim in order to make them doubt themselves and their own perception of reality.

This is a picture of a beautiful sunset over the mountains.
A scene from the movie “Gas Light” based on a play of the same name.

These two examples are instances of “covert violence”. Covert violence is a type of emotional and psychological abuse in which a person can manipulate and control the victim’s emotions and dominate over them or their life, either consciously or unconsciously.

Hidden violence is a very cunning, delicate and subtle behavior that perhaps fewer people have used in their lives and have not benefited from it. Perhaps at the end of this writing, you, dear reader, will be surprised that you have repeatedly resorted to this type of violence in your daily life without even realizing it. Most people are not aware of hidden anger in their relationships and society, and what’s even more interesting is that they don’t even realize that they have become victims of such abuse.

First, let us allow ourselves to have a general definition of anger, violence, and rage so that we can use these terms correctly, as they can have a significant impact in solving the problem of violence.

Anger: Anger, like happiness, sadness, fear, pleasure, etc., is a feeling or emotion. It is a natural feeling that all humans experience on a daily basis; when your laptop or computer is slow, when someone touches your belongings without permission, when someone makes false promises and arrives late. In fact, anger is a human reaction to unfavorable circumstances. This feeling can start as a mild unpleasant feeling and escalate to a strong emotion.

Anger: Anger or madness is when anger turns into behavior or speech. So as long as anger is within us, it is just a feeling or emotion and has not yet turned into anger, but when it turns into speech or behavior, it is no longer anger; it is madness. It means that we all get angry many times a day, but whether anger turns into violence or madness is up to us. In fact, we can control our anger so that it does not turn into violence or madness.

Violence: According to the definition in Dehkhoda’s dictionary, violence is a state of behavior in which a violent person imposes their will on others through physical or non-physical force. Culture and context write: “Violence is the use of physical force to put others in a situation against their will.” In fact, in the discussion of violence, a person inflicts physical or psychological harm on another in order to impose their desires on them.

However, hidden violence, which is a cunning game played by one party to gain control over the other’s emotions, can be divided into two categories: “hidden social violence” and “hidden spiritual and psychological violence”.

Hidden Social Violence: This type of violence is usually referred to as violence that is not openly displayed in society and is carried out in secret; therefore, the aggressive individual is always in a safe margin due to the hidden nature of the violence. Examples of this type of violence include domestic violence at home, such as child abuse. Child abuse is any action that causes emotional and physical harm and leaves lasting effects on a child’s well-being. Some of these effects may be hidden, such as preventing the child from attending class, depriving them of food, locking them in a bathroom or basement, physical punishment, and sexual abuse. Child abuse can be carried out by parents, teachers, relatives, or a boss or employer for whom the child works.

Another type of hidden violence is domestic violence, which is mainly violence against women by men. In the past three decades, 25% of married individuals in Iran have experienced physical, psychological, emotional, sexual, and economic abuse from their spouses during their married life. In other countries around the world, despite cultural differences and social symbols, the phenomenon of domestic violence exists. According to statistics from Tedtalk, in the United States, every 10 seconds, a woman is physically abused and in a way, it can be said that every hour, 360 women are subjected to physical punishment. Out of every three American women, one experiences domestic violence or something similar in their life.

Hidden violence in families happens to most of us, in all races, religions, income levels, and education levels. Everyone thinks that domestic violence only happens to women, but that is not true. More than 85% of abusers are men and the remaining 15% are women.

One of the questions that most people have about women who are victims of violence is why they continue to live with a violent and aggressive man. The answer is a bit strange but true; Leslie Morgan Steiner, who herself was a victim of a truly abusive husband, says in her Tedtalk speech on the website that: Why don’t victims of domestic violence leave their abusers, that although I saw clear signs of violence from him, I didn’t know he was treating me badly…

The best solution for dealing with domestic violence is to expose it. Violence thrives in silence. Leslie Morgan says, “I was able to end my crazy love by breaking the silence, and today I am still breaking the silence. This is my way of helping victims and it is my final request to you. Talk about what you have heard here. Harassment only progresses and spreads in silence. You have the power to easily end domestic violence by shedding light on it. We, the victims, need everyone. We need all of you to expose the secrets of domestic violence. By talking to your children, colleagues, friends, and relatives about the abuse, make it clear and public and come up with a new plan to save the survivors. Identify the first signs of violence and intervene with conscience, reduce violence and show the victim a safe way to escape. Together, we can make our beds, set our dinner tables, and create our families in a calm and safe space, as they should

Hidden Emotional and Mental Violence: You are too sensitive. You get angry quickly. Why do you take a defensive stance towards yourself? Keep your calm! Don’t get too worked up! You are crazy. I was just joking, you can’t take a joke. Are you playing a role? How fragile and delicate you are. Can a man be this fragile and delicate? Very good, now what’s wrong with you? Stay calm, you take everything too seriously and make a big deal out of everything… Have you ever been in a situation where someone has complained about something similar and you have been confronted with similar statements? When someone expresses their opinion to silence you after you have objected to their inappropriate behavior or speech, it is considered hidden violence.

The very strange and unbelievable statistics from Thomas Gordon’s research (1997) show that more than 90% of people behave exactly like this in their relationships. Meaning, when you bring up a problem, before they understand and comprehend you, they give you such responses and try to guide you towards a path that they themselves understand and want. Thomas Gordon says that in response to your discomfort, complaints, and criticisms from your loved ones about you or life, you respond in 12 wrong ways called RoadBlocks, all of which indicate a hidden violence; because these types of responses are trying to put you on their desired path instead of understanding you.

• Opposition, reproach, reprimand, criticism

• Giving orders, speaking forcefully, giving instructions

• Giving advice and showing solutions.

• Giving moral lessons

• Agree

• Threatening

• Expelling and hitting back.

• Interrogation

• Logical discussions, presenting reasons and making arguments.

• Analyze

• Belittling, labeling, insulting

• Assuring and comforting.

These methods of dealing lead to disobedience and rebellion, anxiety, fear, agitation, hatred, manipulation and lying, decrease in self-confidence and decrease in feelings of worth and self-esteem. In all of these cases, you are causing the person to suffer from mental and emotional distress and with good intentions, you are pushing them towards where you want them to go. These are very subtle examples of hidden violence.

The best solution for eliminating hidden psychological violence is acceptance. Acceptance means fully respecting the beliefs, emotions, expectations, and behaviors of the other person. Acceptance means sacrificing myself so that you can be yourself. I sacrifice myself so that you can speak your mind and express your feelings. I create all the conditions for you to be your true self, without any self-censorship, hidden agendas, or role-playing. You can be yourself next to me. When acceptance is present, you feel like you are in the safest place in the world, next to a friend, family member, spouse, sibling, manager, or colleague. When you rest your head on your spouse’s shoulder, you feel empowered, as if the whole world belongs to you. When we show “respect” for our spouse’s behaviors, beliefs, emotions, situations, and conditions, acceptance is created. Therefore, acceptance means “respect” for the beliefs, emotions, behaviors, and conditions of the other person. But

Sometimes you imprison someone with your love. Just like the example I mentioned at the beginning of the discussion. Rima is a girl who loves engineering but she says her father forced her to study medicine. When I asked her father if he forced his daughter to study medicine, he said he never told her to study medicine, but Rima says her father has been calling me “Dr.” since I was a child and his wish was for me to study medicine. Everywhere among friends and family, he would say “my daughter will become a doctor” and because I loved my father, I chose to study medicine. While I was in love with engineering.

Contemporary writer Paulo Coelho says: We have no right to chain anyone with our love.

The greatest gift you can give to others is freedom; freedom of choice, freedom of expression of their beliefs, emotions, and expectations.